Seinfeld: The Series Rewatch - "The Abstinence" (S8, E9)

JT's comments below originally ran as part of Place to Be Nation's "Seinfeld: The PTBN Series Rewatch" project.



Best Character

I enjoyed Kramer and George a lot in this one but I have to go with my man Jackie Chiles. He electrifies any scene he is in and just slays it with his delivery and absurd turns of phrase. The way he describes Kramer to the Big Tobacco lawyer was brilliant, as was his killer final line.

Best Storyline

The Abstinence delivered some good laughs even though I thought parts of it came across as forced and rushed. It was almost too intricate of a story to play out in 22 minutes, I felt like it needed more room to develop or breather. Kramer's slow development into a shrunken headed goblin was quite good as well.

Ethical Dilemma of the Week

Should the Monk's manager really be that pissed off at Elaine? Carlito should take better care of himself. Don't get mad at the poor intern's psychopathic girlfriend.

Relationship Scale (Scale 1-10)

I don't blame George for not giving up his newfound brilliance for sex with Louise. Doesn't seem worth it. The Portuguese waitress? Bang on! Relationship Grade: Tungsten, or Wolfram/10

What Worked:

The cannibalism discussion was interested start to the show; I always enjoy George saying "Nucleosis"; The random conversation about debunk vs. bunk made me chuckle; Katie is always great; Jerry getting bumped from Career Day; Bob Odenkirk was really strong as Ben and I liked Elaine joking that she wasn't really attracted to Ben because he wasn't a doctor yet; Kramer's Radio Shack observation is a great one; The slow revelation of George becoming brilliant due to no sex is really well done, starting with his Jeopardy dominance; Ben's pathetic showing in front of Sue Ellen; I love Katie's persistence and Jerry's open disdain for her; George's tutorial to Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams is an all time classic, "In six games"; Kramer turning into a leathery human voodoo doll is iconic; "Pooh" makes me laugh; Jackie F'N Chiles!; The scene with the Big Tobacco lawyer is tremendous; The Marlboro Man was a good capper, as was the cool David Letterman cameo

What Didn't Work

George resetting the conversation by saying "so it's just mono" out of nowhere so Elaine can walk in and hear it felt really forced and non-Seinfeld; Jerry immediately diagnosing George's sudden brilliance felt a bit rushed and forced as well, at least let it breathe a bit; Rick the Periodontist is a dick, I am sure of it; I kind of get why they did the no sex idiocy twist for Elaine but it felt shoehorned in and not as organic as George's newfound genius; I also thought it was silly that George becomes an instant dunce, even dumber than before, after having sex

Key Character Debuts

- David Letterman

Iconic Moments, Running Themes & Memorable Quotes

- "George, I can't have sex." - Louise "With me or in general?" - George "I went to the doctor today. I have mono." - Louise "Nucleosis." - George
- "I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility." - George "Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?" - Jerry "I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys." - George "What guys?" - Jerry "Like us." - George
- "Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry." - Katie "I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high." - Jerry
- "They're trying to screw with your head." - Kramer "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?" - Jerry "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know." - Kramer
- "I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke." - Kramer "Why?" - Jerry "Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being." - Kramer "It doesn't?" - Jerry "Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society." - Kramer "Why not?" - Jerry "Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry." - Kramer "All right." - Jerry
- "Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted." - Kramer
- "We won the World Series." - Jeter "In six games." - George
- "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?" - Jerry "Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face." - Kramer "And your teeth, your teeth are all brown." - Jerry "Look away, I'm hideous." - Kramer
- "So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting." - Jackie "So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?" - Kramer "Your face is my case." - Jackie
- "I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom." - George "Goodbye, George. I hate you." - Louise "What a fascinating turn of events." - George
- "Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak." - Jackie "Who could love me?" - Kramer "I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity." - Wilkie "Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head." - Jackie
- "I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor." - Ben
- "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations." - Jackie

Oddities & Fun Facts

- "Dr." Ben is portrayed by comedic actor Bob Odenkirk

Overall Grade (Scale 1-10)

I liked this one a lot as it was loaded with great cameos, fresh storylines and some classic moments. However, I kept getting stuck on  few of the plot points with the Abstinence. Everything felt so rushed, from Jerry immediately discerning why George was suddenly smart to Elaine becoming an idiot over the course of a few days to George all of a sudden becoming a complete dolt minutes after having sex. I felt like they didn't really get to explain the "I can have sex right now but choose not to" vs. "I want to have sex but can't" aspect of the whole thing. It was a great idea that needed more time for proper exposition. Also, it is very unrealistic that Elaine couldn't go find someone to bang to clear her head. I love all the smoking stuff, mainly because Jackie Chiles is a force of nature, but also because of Kramer's physical deformations. Katie was good as always too and I love how Jerry clearly can't stand her in any way. I wanted to go higher on this one but the issues I laid out above keep this a notch lower than great for me. Final Grade: 8/10